hitting the ground running

So it's been pretty close to forever since I have even ventured near this site. This is due to fact that I have yet to lose another pound since my last update. My plateau turned to ambivalence once the holiday season began. With finals and extra work, I may have been to the gym 5 times from November on. I also ate like crap. At weigh in this morning, I had officially gained 5lbs.

For the most part, the holiday season is over and I am making goals for the coming year. Last year I wrote down some resolutions and managed to hit them all. Here is my plan (in regards to weight) for 2010:

I fully expect to be finished with my weight loss by the summer. It took me about 6 months to lose the first 50. I can and will win this battle this year.
I restarted today and am doing well and in a good mindset. I have the gym class schedule next to me and have made a new game plan. When I first began my journey, I was at the gym taking a class 4 nights a week and regularly fitting in a 5th evening to workout. I am going to school full-time and therefore have less "free" time to spend. Last semester I took advantage of my stress and the work I was responsible for. I skipped the gym regularly in order to school stuff. I am at a point now where I need to reassess. If losing weight is important to me, it needs to be a priority. Also, I like working out and should be looking at it as time to enjoy my own time away from my obligations.
My mindset now is that I work all day, taking time to study whenever I get a free moment and come home to more homework. The only time I spend not devoting myself to school is when I am commuting. (Let's just say, driving to an from work is not remotely relaxing and probably does more damage then good.) If I want to keep my stress and a minimum and continue weight loss, I need to see the gym differently. Why not look at my gym time as a positive thing? That can be my time away from the world.

I also need to get back to making my gym classes a set part of my schedule. Rather than saying, "Well, I would like to get to Zumba tonight, but..." I will say "I have Zumba at 6:30, after or before that I can do what needs to be done." I don't compromise work or meeting times. Why should I be cheating myself out of healthy lifestyle? This is important to me, so I need my schedule to reflect that.

I've also added workouts at 6am before I get ready for work. I did this consistently around the beginning of the holiday season. I need to get back into this routine. Because I have hit my halfway plateau, I need to step up my routine. On days that I make it to the gym, my 6am workout gives me an extra kick. But it also keeps me on track when I can't make it to a class.

Finally, my biggest resolution:

Here in Indy there is a mini-marathon around the time of the Indianapolis 500. I have always passively thought about how it would be cool to do the Mini. I am officially making a goal of participating in the May 2011 Mini-Marathon. I began to feel like a slacker when I wasn't even considering signing up for May 2010, but I know this is a much smarter goal. Not only can I not run right now because of the extra weight I am carrying, but I will need a lot of training. I know someone who trained for 6 months and was still unable to finish the race.
If I stay on track, I will be able to start training this May and end up with a full year of preparing. I absolutely think this a reasonable and attainable goal.
I am also making sure to tell everyone I know. That way, I will have expectations other than my own to fulfill and a group of people to keep me on task

!!!!

holding...holding...holding

So, I was already feeling like a fatbag before I saw that I had not updated here since August 31.

That makes it even more sickening to say that I am still at the 50lb mark. (Technically, it's 49.8 today.) Therefore, this will be an update about the crap side of weight loss.

You should know that fat days are now super morbidly obese days. Every girl (I assume some guys too) has fat days. Now that I have worked to be less of a fatty, I have less tolerance for these times. When I have one of these days, I am paranoid, disgusted and generally ticked off. This is the general prototype for a fat day, I'm sure. However, in my case (and the case of anyone else in the midst of a weight loss struggle) this is amplified at least 300x.

I am instantly terrified that I have gained my weight back. I know that gaining 50lbs is impossible. At least I hope it is. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling like I have and seeing myself like I have in the mirror. I already have issues with seeing myself for how I truly look. For the most part, what I see in the mirror is the same tub of lard that I saw in the mirror in January.

Long story short, beware the fat days. They kill the soul.

Also, lets just stop beating around the bush and talk about the fact that I have not lost a pound for a month and half. I've actually gained and lost the same 2lbs about 4 times now. That is disgusting.
I can give you my list of excuses: "I have been too busy with school to make the gym" (this is true, mind you. I am struggling to find a balance here. I don't want to slack on school, but I don't want to be one of those people who can only leave their bedrooms via forklift.), "I eat when i'm on my period," (also true, however, a month and a half only allots for a certain number of these dreaded binge weeks.) "I've just felt blah, i'm still active at work..."(sure have. probably because I haven't gotten off my fat butt and am eating stupid junk.)

Despicable.

Also, fitting into new, smaller clothing is fantastic! I really find it hard to describe the emotions to you. However, clothing manufacturers are evil evil people. I can now wear a Large. However, try on an xxl hoodie in the juniors section and I get "fat guy in a little coat" syndrome. The same is true when you shop at more than one store. I can wear a large at one place by not even close at the next.

Also, extra skin. I'll leave it at that.

I'm finding that this whole journey is as much mental as it is physical. I need to stop worrying about how others see me, what size I wear, what kind of day I am having and learn to recongnize my new self in the mirror.

Please email you psychiatric recommendations to: fattymcfatpants@....................

OooOooh! Halfway there! OooOooh! Livin' on A Prayer....

It has been brought to my attention that I have left my little blog in dire need of an update.

This is most certainly true. You got it kids.

Weigh in was this morning and....drumroll please...

I am halfway to my goal!!!!

I looked down at the scale to realize that I had lost 50lbs!

I have been surprised, impressed, excited, etc... by the numbers I'd seen on the scale before, but his was the first time that I just stood there staring. I literally stood with my mouth hanging open trying to process what I saw. I'm halfway done!

The big kicker for me was the actual number on the screen. I started this journey at 266. Today I was at 216. The fact that I have made it to the 50lb mark is huge, but the fact that I am almost out of the 200's is unfathomable to me. I don't remember being in the 100's. Ever. I remember being 90ish in elementary school then don't remember weighing again till high school where I was in the 200's. I really don't know what reaction I will have when I make it into the 100's. I will tell you that I think it will be more staring with my jaw on the floor and probably a little bit of tears.

I am so thankful for everything that has come together to get me where I am. I know that I am not the type of person to stick with things that are difficult and uncomfortable to me. I am so thankful that God has heard my prayers and given me the ability to follow through. I am so so grateful for my family. (My mom really.) There were times when I would've dropped out of the gym, stopped counting my points, etc... If not for her support, her praise and her guilt trips (when I need them) I don't think this would have lasted.

It is an amazing feeling to have someone give me a sweater that they thought would be cute on me, think it looks terribly small but try it on only to have it fit! It is still unbelievable to me that I can shop in the 'regular' sections of stores now. Never would I have imagined that I would be moving from an XL down to a Large. At this time last year, the sweaters I was buying were 2x moving up to 3x.

I am so so so so thankful. I hope that I do not ever take for granted the change that has happened in my life.

I am looking forward to the next 50lbs. The next time I make a 50lb update, I will be announcing the end of this race!!!! I know this will be the harder of the two sides of the journey. I know that the hard work will be worth it.

Yay!!!!

amendedment.

I can't believe I forgot this yesterday but this news was huge!!

Mom and I were out shopping Friday night and I saw the cutest sweater. It was in the Misses section, which still makes me doubt myself. I grabbed an extra large and it fit! Actually, it was a little baggy!! By the time I will be able to wear it, an extra large would be way too big. I tried on a large... It fit!!!!

meh.

Well, it has been one week and I have gained 0.4 lbs. Not too bad, I guess. If I have to gain, I'm good with it being under a pound.

I only worked out once last week. I did do a lot of walking with the little guy I take care of, though. My eating was not great. My biggest workout of the week (Thursday night Zumba) was cut short. I decided to be an idiot and not eat like an rational person that day. I ate an ok breakfast, but didn't feel like much at lunch. Once I started the hard stuff at the gym it hit me like a ton of bricks. I got the side cramps that usually come when you run. After the big 7-minute song I bent over to catch my breath in my side would knock it off. It just got worse. I just about blacked out, was light headed and dizzy. So, for the first time ever, I had to leave Zumba early. I know that I was not feeling well, but I really felt like a failure. It felt like everyone was watching the fat girl who couldn't handle it.

I hopped off the scale today determined to make this week different. I only have a few weeks left before a lot of my time and focus goes back to school, so I want to spend as much time as possible working out. But........

I almost missed Zumba tonight. I stayed late at work so that my boss could get some grocery shopping done. I messed around leaving b/c I was having a good time with the little guy. I debated the entire time I was driving. I sped like a maniac (actually this is nothing out of the ordinary) and made it only 15 minutes late. This is a huge victory for me. Normally, I would rather skip altogether than come into a class late.

I had also resolved to get a better handle on my eating this week. I have become very comfortable lately. I've not been writing things down as I eat or measuring strictly. I've been doing more estimating and journaling at the end of the day. I've not really paid any attention at all to being sure I get all my healthy requirements. But....

It is that week. The dreaded one week a month that sabotages me every time. I am writing this with some shortbread cookies and milk in front of me. Its fat free milk though!

I regret it already. That is what my weekly points are for though. No more of this. I need some suggestions for this week. I can't run around like a mad woman this time.

Looking forward to normalcy

It has been quite awhile since I have been here. I'll just be honest and say that I have let my disappointment and discouragement get the best of me this month. There have been a lot of circumstances (being out of town, having family stay with us...) that have kept me distracted. The fact that I am unhappy with myself hasn't left my mind. When I've not been at the gym or have made dumb decisions, I am still beating myself up. So, I guess distraction might not be the word I'm looking for. I've just been busy.

I had weigh in this morning. I came out at 221 even! That puts me at exactly 45 pounds down from the beginning. I'm starting to think I am overly hard on myself. I know that my 'bad' choices today are nowhere near the caliber of my bad choices 6 months ago. I am much more active.... I doubt, though, that I will ever be a person that simply accepts who and how I am and lives with it. I will always beat myself up.

I am really hoping that a new month will bring me out of this funk. Its a little exhausting feeling discouraged all the time. I liked it much better when I was confident and proud of myself.

What a difference a year makes!

These pictures were taken exactly a year apart. The first is from July of last year. I was at the 1st birthday party for the little boy I take care of. The second was taken before I left the house on the way to his 2nd birthday party. Really interesting! I actually thought I looked great last year. I was headed to a concert after the party and couldn't wait to wear that top. How embarrassing!! I had no idea how disgusting I looked. Actually, other people were fully aware. As my brother and I were searching for our car after the concert that night there was a carful of guys yelling names at me (fatso, fat *** etc.) I hope that I never have one of those experiences again. I have had way too many in my life.