hitting the ground running

So it's been pretty close to forever since I have even ventured near this site. This is due to fact that I have yet to lose another pound since my last update. My plateau turned to ambivalence once the holiday season began. With finals and extra work, I may have been to the gym 5 times from November on. I also ate like crap. At weigh in this morning, I had officially gained 5lbs.

For the most part, the holiday season is over and I am making goals for the coming year. Last year I wrote down some resolutions and managed to hit them all. Here is my plan (in regards to weight) for 2010:

I fully expect to be finished with my weight loss by the summer. It took me about 6 months to lose the first 50. I can and will win this battle this year.
I restarted today and am doing well and in a good mindset. I have the gym class schedule next to me and have made a new game plan. When I first began my journey, I was at the gym taking a class 4 nights a week and regularly fitting in a 5th evening to workout. I am going to school full-time and therefore have less "free" time to spend. Last semester I took advantage of my stress and the work I was responsible for. I skipped the gym regularly in order to school stuff. I am at a point now where I need to reassess. If losing weight is important to me, it needs to be a priority. Also, I like working out and should be looking at it as time to enjoy my own time away from my obligations.
My mindset now is that I work all day, taking time to study whenever I get a free moment and come home to more homework. The only time I spend not devoting myself to school is when I am commuting. (Let's just say, driving to an from work is not remotely relaxing and probably does more damage then good.) If I want to keep my stress and a minimum and continue weight loss, I need to see the gym differently. Why not look at my gym time as a positive thing? That can be my time away from the world.

I also need to get back to making my gym classes a set part of my schedule. Rather than saying, "Well, I would like to get to Zumba tonight, but..." I will say "I have Zumba at 6:30, after or before that I can do what needs to be done." I don't compromise work or meeting times. Why should I be cheating myself out of healthy lifestyle? This is important to me, so I need my schedule to reflect that.

I've also added workouts at 6am before I get ready for work. I did this consistently around the beginning of the holiday season. I need to get back into this routine. Because I have hit my halfway plateau, I need to step up my routine. On days that I make it to the gym, my 6am workout gives me an extra kick. But it also keeps me on track when I can't make it to a class.

Finally, my biggest resolution:

Here in Indy there is a mini-marathon around the time of the Indianapolis 500. I have always passively thought about how it would be cool to do the Mini. I am officially making a goal of participating in the May 2011 Mini-Marathon. I began to feel like a slacker when I wasn't even considering signing up for May 2010, but I know this is a much smarter goal. Not only can I not run right now because of the extra weight I am carrying, but I will need a lot of training. I know someone who trained for 6 months and was still unable to finish the race.
If I stay on track, I will be able to start training this May and end up with a full year of preparing. I absolutely think this a reasonable and attainable goal.
I am also making sure to tell everyone I know. That way, I will have expectations other than my own to fulfill and a group of people to keep me on task

!!!!

holding...holding...holding

So, I was already feeling like a fatbag before I saw that I had not updated here since August 31.

That makes it even more sickening to say that I am still at the 50lb mark. (Technically, it's 49.8 today.) Therefore, this will be an update about the crap side of weight loss.

You should know that fat days are now super morbidly obese days. Every girl (I assume some guys too) has fat days. Now that I have worked to be less of a fatty, I have less tolerance for these times. When I have one of these days, I am paranoid, disgusted and generally ticked off. This is the general prototype for a fat day, I'm sure. However, in my case (and the case of anyone else in the midst of a weight loss struggle) this is amplified at least 300x.

I am instantly terrified that I have gained my weight back. I know that gaining 50lbs is impossible. At least I hope it is. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling like I have and seeing myself like I have in the mirror. I already have issues with seeing myself for how I truly look. For the most part, what I see in the mirror is the same tub of lard that I saw in the mirror in January.

Long story short, beware the fat days. They kill the soul.

Also, lets just stop beating around the bush and talk about the fact that I have not lost a pound for a month and half. I've actually gained and lost the same 2lbs about 4 times now. That is disgusting.
I can give you my list of excuses: "I have been too busy with school to make the gym" (this is true, mind you. I am struggling to find a balance here. I don't want to slack on school, but I don't want to be one of those people who can only leave their bedrooms via forklift.), "I eat when i'm on my period," (also true, however, a month and a half only allots for a certain number of these dreaded binge weeks.) "I've just felt blah, i'm still active at work..."(sure have. probably because I haven't gotten off my fat butt and am eating stupid junk.)

Despicable.

Also, fitting into new, smaller clothing is fantastic! I really find it hard to describe the emotions to you. However, clothing manufacturers are evil evil people. I can now wear a Large. However, try on an xxl hoodie in the juniors section and I get "fat guy in a little coat" syndrome. The same is true when you shop at more than one store. I can wear a large at one place by not even close at the next.

Also, extra skin. I'll leave it at that.

I'm finding that this whole journey is as much mental as it is physical. I need to stop worrying about how others see me, what size I wear, what kind of day I am having and learn to recongnize my new self in the mirror.

Please email you psychiatric recommendations to: fattymcfatpants@....................

OooOooh! Halfway there! OooOooh! Livin' on A Prayer....

It has been brought to my attention that I have left my little blog in dire need of an update.

This is most certainly true. You got it kids.

Weigh in was this morning and....drumroll please...

I am halfway to my goal!!!!

I looked down at the scale to realize that I had lost 50lbs!

I have been surprised, impressed, excited, etc... by the numbers I'd seen on the scale before, but his was the first time that I just stood there staring. I literally stood with my mouth hanging open trying to process what I saw. I'm halfway done!

The big kicker for me was the actual number on the screen. I started this journey at 266. Today I was at 216. The fact that I have made it to the 50lb mark is huge, but the fact that I am almost out of the 200's is unfathomable to me. I don't remember being in the 100's. Ever. I remember being 90ish in elementary school then don't remember weighing again till high school where I was in the 200's. I really don't know what reaction I will have when I make it into the 100's. I will tell you that I think it will be more staring with my jaw on the floor and probably a little bit of tears.

I am so thankful for everything that has come together to get me where I am. I know that I am not the type of person to stick with things that are difficult and uncomfortable to me. I am so thankful that God has heard my prayers and given me the ability to follow through. I am so so grateful for my family. (My mom really.) There were times when I would've dropped out of the gym, stopped counting my points, etc... If not for her support, her praise and her guilt trips (when I need them) I don't think this would have lasted.

It is an amazing feeling to have someone give me a sweater that they thought would be cute on me, think it looks terribly small but try it on only to have it fit! It is still unbelievable to me that I can shop in the 'regular' sections of stores now. Never would I have imagined that I would be moving from an XL down to a Large. At this time last year, the sweaters I was buying were 2x moving up to 3x.

I am so so so so thankful. I hope that I do not ever take for granted the change that has happened in my life.

I am looking forward to the next 50lbs. The next time I make a 50lb update, I will be announcing the end of this race!!!! I know this will be the harder of the two sides of the journey. I know that the hard work will be worth it.

Yay!!!!

amendedment.

I can't believe I forgot this yesterday but this news was huge!!

Mom and I were out shopping Friday night and I saw the cutest sweater. It was in the Misses section, which still makes me doubt myself. I grabbed an extra large and it fit! Actually, it was a little baggy!! By the time I will be able to wear it, an extra large would be way too big. I tried on a large... It fit!!!!

meh.

Well, it has been one week and I have gained 0.4 lbs. Not too bad, I guess. If I have to gain, I'm good with it being under a pound.

I only worked out once last week. I did do a lot of walking with the little guy I take care of, though. My eating was not great. My biggest workout of the week (Thursday night Zumba) was cut short. I decided to be an idiot and not eat like an rational person that day. I ate an ok breakfast, but didn't feel like much at lunch. Once I started the hard stuff at the gym it hit me like a ton of bricks. I got the side cramps that usually come when you run. After the big 7-minute song I bent over to catch my breath in my side would knock it off. It just got worse. I just about blacked out, was light headed and dizzy. So, for the first time ever, I had to leave Zumba early. I know that I was not feeling well, but I really felt like a failure. It felt like everyone was watching the fat girl who couldn't handle it.

I hopped off the scale today determined to make this week different. I only have a few weeks left before a lot of my time and focus goes back to school, so I want to spend as much time as possible working out. But........

I almost missed Zumba tonight. I stayed late at work so that my boss could get some grocery shopping done. I messed around leaving b/c I was having a good time with the little guy. I debated the entire time I was driving. I sped like a maniac (actually this is nothing out of the ordinary) and made it only 15 minutes late. This is a huge victory for me. Normally, I would rather skip altogether than come into a class late.

I had also resolved to get a better handle on my eating this week. I have become very comfortable lately. I've not been writing things down as I eat or measuring strictly. I've been doing more estimating and journaling at the end of the day. I've not really paid any attention at all to being sure I get all my healthy requirements. But....

It is that week. The dreaded one week a month that sabotages me every time. I am writing this with some shortbread cookies and milk in front of me. Its fat free milk though!

I regret it already. That is what my weekly points are for though. No more of this. I need some suggestions for this week. I can't run around like a mad woman this time.

Looking forward to normalcy

It has been quite awhile since I have been here. I'll just be honest and say that I have let my disappointment and discouragement get the best of me this month. There have been a lot of circumstances (being out of town, having family stay with us...) that have kept me distracted. The fact that I am unhappy with myself hasn't left my mind. When I've not been at the gym or have made dumb decisions, I am still beating myself up. So, I guess distraction might not be the word I'm looking for. I've just been busy.

I had weigh in this morning. I came out at 221 even! That puts me at exactly 45 pounds down from the beginning. I'm starting to think I am overly hard on myself. I know that my 'bad' choices today are nowhere near the caliber of my bad choices 6 months ago. I am much more active.... I doubt, though, that I will ever be a person that simply accepts who and how I am and lives with it. I will always beat myself up.

I am really hoping that a new month will bring me out of this funk. Its a little exhausting feeling discouraged all the time. I liked it much better when I was confident and proud of myself.

What a difference a year makes!

These pictures were taken exactly a year apart. The first is from July of last year. I was at the 1st birthday party for the little boy I take care of. The second was taken before I left the house on the way to his 2nd birthday party. Really interesting! I actually thought I looked great last year. I was headed to a concert after the party and couldn't wait to wear that top. How embarrassing!! I had no idea how disgusting I looked. Actually, other people were fully aware. As my brother and I were searching for our car after the concert that night there was a carful of guys yelling names at me (fatso, fat *** etc.) I hope that I never have one of those experiences again. I have had way too many in my life.

...

Not much to say. Just thought I needed to put something on here. It has been a couple of weeks.

Weigh in was yesterday. I came in at 226 even. So, I have officially made the 40lb mark.

Note the absence of exclamation points. While I am ecstatic with having lost this much, it has taken me two weeks to lose ONE pound. I am disgusted to think about how much farther along I could be if I stopped having "off weeks." Idiot.

New pics.

First off, let me apologize for my appearance in these photos. I looked thoroughly miffed only because it has been an tremendously long day. I ampologize for the outfit as well. I assure you that I do NOT ever leave the house in these clothes. I was getting ready to workout (at home.) I just wanted to upload a few new pics that reflected my lower weight!

Well...?

Even though I more than fulfilled my weekly blogging quota with last nights whining, I still need to update on my weigh in.

So... Somehow, beyond all reason, I lost 2 lbs????

I can't tell you how or why that happened, but I will take it and be thankful. I still plan on working my butt off this week. I don't want it to all catch up with me next week.

Thank the Lord for the unexpected.

Impromptu venting

I am journaling on a Sunday. (Well, technically it is 12am Monday. But I'll let it slide.) This is not my normal Monday, after weigh-in check-in. I was getting ready for bed and was talking to myself.... Yes, I am admitting to talking to myself. BUT, it was silent. No one else heard me being an insane women. And no, I was not answering myself. I guess it was more of a pep talk/chiding.

Ok, enough trying to convince the world that I am not crazy. I'll just get to the real stuff.

I am really really really disappointed with myself. Angry, fed up or disgusted would actually be better words to describe how I feel. I have had such an unmotivated and unproductive week! I can tell you right now that I will not like what I see when I step on that scale tomorrow morning. I not only have used up my daily points and weekly points, but have used up every one of the few activity points that I earned. Honestly, I probably even went over that because I wasn't putting much effort into tracking what and how much I was eating.

I know that down times happen but I feel like I have been in this rut for a long time. I have not turned on the Wii Active for at least two weeks. I've been to the gym 3 times in the last two weeks and that was only for Zumba(one of these times, I didn't even break a sweat b/c I was helping my cousins!). No strength training, no extra cardio.

I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO get my stuff together. I have worked way too hard and for way too long to let it go just because I want to be lazy. I need to make the gym a requirement again. I absolutely have to get my eating in check. I know that it may seem dramatic, but I feel like I have been slipping for such a long time now that it is too late for me to snap out of it.

The last few weeks have been difficult. I've not been working out or eating as well as I should. This week, though? This one blew those out of the water three times over. I have to be a little forgiving of myself and acknowledge the fact that it is a certain week that comes every month. My cravings are always out of control like this and I never seem to be satisfied. I will eat then be hungry again in 30 minutes. I do have hope in the fact that the worst part of that is over for this month. How I handled it this time was inexcusable. I have been working to get healthy and lose weight since at least February. Nature being as it is, I have dealt with this dreaded week 4 times before. I didn't give into my fast food cravings, go over points like a crazy person, stop working out or stop caring about my goals any of those times! This is so irritating!!

I feel like I need someone to come and shake me and tell me to wake up!

When I think about it, the way I feel in my body today is so much better than sitting on my rear watching movies or eating a donut. I feel amazing when I go down another pant size and I have several more to go before this journey is over! I have to realize that I have bad weeks (or months, apparently) and that I am going to be able to get back on track. Really, the weak place I am in now is still 100x better than how I was before I started this battle. If I could get momentum going then, when things were completely out of control, why not now? I already have the tools. I know what it takes. I just need to jump back in.

I have to make it happen this week. I am pledging here, to get back in the game. The excitement, confidence and focus are incredible and I a miss it. It's on!

A new low

I am officially in the 220's! (Just barely, but it counts.) At weigh in this morning, I was at 229.2. Never in my adult life, have I been this low. I was probably only this weight while I was still growing. I was in the 260's even in high school.

I am amazed by this! I didn't do a great job of working out last week. I kept up on the eating, though. I am wearing an XL shirt today and it is baggy on me! I literally had to check the size when I got to work to see if it was bigger than I thought. NOPE!

The one downside is that I had to lower my points again. I am down to 29. (I started out at 33.) I only lose one point at a time, but I had a tough time adjusting last time. I really can't say why, it was just difficult. The lower the points, the more I need to really plan ahead and make sure I get all my guidelines filled without going over. To be honest, it is stressing me out a little more than it should be. I'm sure it will be fine.

I went to Zumba tonight and took 2 of my younger cousins with me. They liked it and want to keep going with me. I didn't get a great workout because I was doing more helping them than working myself. That should only happen a few more times, though.

Always find something to complain about....

I'm hanging my head in shame....

I am not very happy with myself at the moment.

I gained about 2 pounds.

This wouldn't actually be that big of a deal if I hadn't acted like a buffoon this weekend.

I did super with the birthday dinners. I had healthy food but did have desert. I planned ahead and ended my days right on track.

Then the weekend came.

Apparently I lost my mind.

We went to the movies Friday night. I had popcorn. I planned for this, and was ok.

We came home and mom made cookies. Like 5 different kinds.

I did not practice discretion.

Not even moderation.

Idiot!

I babysat Saturday night.

My boss sent me home with the leftover dessert.

Guess what I enjoyed several times on Sunday?

Uggh! What is that!?!?

I did not go to Zumba tonight. I had a lot to do at home.

I did do my regular workout plus an extra on the Wii.

I am headed back to my room to do Pilates.

I am completely on track with my points.

I have resolved to get back on track this week and I am doing it so far.

Aside from messing with my body, the way I acted this weekend dealt a blow to my confidence.

I had bought a bunch of tank tops to wear to work so that I am cooler and don't have a farmer's tan.

I wore some today.

I may as well have been naked.

I felt like everyone was looking at me horrified.

I felt like I had overestimated my progress and didn't look as good as I once thought I would.

I felt like I was embarrassing my boss by being seen in her yard showing so much of my disgusting body.

When I saw my reflection in the mirror all I could focus on was the fact that the shirt was fitted to my stomach rolls.

I'm really having a down time. I hope I stop feeling discouraged soon.

Blah.

Didn't see that one coming!

Another week down and .... drum roll please... another 4.3 pounds gone as well!!!! It has been an interesting week and I can say with all honesty that I did not expect to lose much at all. I did not venture into the gym once. I did, however, get one of the best birthday presents to date!

I got the Wii Active from my brother on Friday! It is the best thing ever!! I definitely wanted it more than Wii Fit, but didn't know how great it would be. It is an incredible workout and I HAVE to do it right. It really is like a personal trainer made a custom workout for me. I have to do each exercise right or they aren't accepted. The bands and controllers make sure that I am doing it all right and in good form. It is super!

I am now faced with the challenge of MAKING myself go to the gym. Not because I am lazy, but because I want to do it somewhere else. I am now aware of the fact that I can completely get my butt kicked in the comfort of my own home. Tonight I went back and forth about whether or not to go to Zumba, but ended up going in the end. I think it is a good thing to change up the atmosphere and to be around other people sometimes. 

I went back to doing the resistance circuit tonight too. I had given it up when a trainer I talked to told me that I needed to bump up my cardio in order to keep losing weight. I think that makes complete sense, but I feel like I am getting more flabby than firm now. It is perfect that I got the Wii game, because now I have the extra Cardio, but don't have to stay at the gym for an extra hour.  Sometimes life is just swell.

I am really amazed at the weight loss this week given the fact that I not only used all my daily points, but also all my weekly points and dipped into the few activity points I had. It makes me wonder about whether I am one of those people who should always be eating the weeklies.... Always something to worry about. T

I doubt that I will have much trouble using up my weekly points this week though. My birthday is Thursday which always means eating out. My boss is taking me out to lunch on Wednesday and I'm sure the family and I will go out Thursday. I highly doubt I will have cake, but honestly, I think I deserve A piece of cake on this one day. Right?? 

With my birthday here, it makes me think about what life was like a year ago. At this time last year, I was uncomfortable in my clothes, was popping buttons off my new shorts and was doing all I could to avoid taking the little boy I take care of outside or too the pool. While I still don't look forward to making my appearance at the neighborhood pool with all the skinny soccer moms (thank the Lord the time hasn't come. Yet...) I am outside everyday and am only uncomfortable in my clothes because they are either falling off or make me look like I just pooped in my pants. When I go to my closet now, I worry about whether things will be too big and sloppy. This is totally opposite from last year when I would worry about what would cling to my fat rolls the least and what would hide me the best. This birthday is so much different than last year. I feel like a completely different person. And I'm not done changing yet!! I am claiming that this is the first in decades of birthdays when I am not ashamed, I am confident, I am healthy and I am OK with myself. 

Woot woot!

I had a new breakthrough last night! Mom and I went to Walmart to look at summer clothes because mine are no longer fitting. I am starting to have issues holding some of them up. (What a thing to complain about, right???) Instead of going straight to the plus size section like I always do, I marched my firm behind into the misses section! I tried on a pair of 16 jean shorts and ...... they fit! Honestly they were snug, but they were buttoned, and zipped and I could breath!! I did not buy them, however, because the were short. I felt like my butt cheeks were hanging out.  I wear bermudas at the shortest. Even at the gym. I am not ready to make the leap into actual short shorts. 

That got me talking with mom about how I will dress once I make my goal. I most definitely do not plan on changing my wardrobe out for a new hoochie-fied one. I realized though, how scared I am of being one of those people with a body image disorder. Even at this point, I have a hard time telling any difference when I look in the mirror or at pictures. I still see the same things. The only reason I am believing the people who say they can tell is because the scale also says it can tell and my butt can no longer hold up my pants. I just don't want to be one of those people who, at like 160lbs, still sees themselves as disgusting and obese. Hmm.

Another huge milestone, is the fact that I have hit the 30lb mark!! I hit a plateau at 25lbs and stayed there for a month. Aaah! That was terrible. I upped my cardio. Instead of doing the circuit before class, I changed to doing some form of cardio for the 30 minutes. I also have really worked on using all of my points. I was having a LOT of trouble using up all of my points in a day. I had gotten in the mindset that if I wasn't hungry I didn't need to eat. That is a good thing, but I was missing something. I spent some time checking out the WW forums and realized that if I make sure that I am meeting all the nutritional guidelines everyday, there is no way I will have points left. (Duh! Why did I not think of that?) So, I'm working on it. Getting in 2 servings of healthy oils is a pain though. They only count pourable oils. Really? Am I supposed to do an olive oil shot every night?

So, all that being said, I broke past the plateau, hit my 10% goal and came out at. 235lbs on Monday. Whew!!! 

I am struggling right now, though. I am already dreading next Monday's weigh in. I took a few nights off the gym last week to work on my garden. I really worked hard (I had to completely till the ground) and still got my activity in. I regret it now though, because I have yet to go back to the gym. It was closed Monday for Memorial Day but that was also the day I decided to smash a bowl of boiling oatmeal on my feet and scald them. I have enormous blisters on one foot and am having trouble putting on shoes. Grr. And. I've already dipped way into the weekly extra points. Blech. I want this week to be done. Its disheartening. It makes me scared that this is the point where I will give up. I was just telling Mom how I can't picture myself smaller than I already am. But I know I will pull through. Right?

Picture progress

Now for an explaination:

1. My enormous rear end at a wedding in November.

2. Same wedding. Different angle. Still huge.

3. Taken in January. Notice the Jabba the Hut neckline and football player build.

4. In April or so. Very early stages of losing weight. (Also, poor choice in shirt.)

5.In May, I can start to tell a change.

6. Same here.

7. May here too. This t-shirt is a Large!

8. May, I like this pic b/c the pose makes it obvious that I'm changing.

9. Mother's Day.

 

Wow!

I am about a pound away from having lost 20lbs! 

I have lost enough to officially "go public" and posted it as my status on Facebook and Myspace.
I no longer have to stretch out my shirts to be comfortable in them. (Surprisingly, I did not realize this until my mom asked about it.) That is an amazing accomplishment!

My biggest breakthrough came on Tuesday. Mom and I both had the day off and went to the mall to look around. I wanted to go into Old Navy to see if I might be able to fit into their clothes. I took in a size 20 and a size 18 jeans. The 20's were loose!!!!! The 18's just fit!! A "NORMAL" STORE!!! Not a plus size store at all! 

Still going!

Monday was weigh in. I am down to 254! 

I went to water aerobics last night and the teacher asked for milestones. I fought my usual shyness and volunteered. I shared that I had hit my 12lb mark the day before. Every person in the class was clapping, cheering and congratulating me. One lady even came and gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me. That kind of reception is amazing to me and was exactly what I needed. It always seems to come at exactly the right time. 

Last week I was having a hard time staying motivated to stay on track. I walked past Mom and she said she was proud of how well I was sticking with it. (She also will not let me skip the gym. I attempted to skip the gym last Thursday but Mom talked me into it. I had the guts to try the same thing again Friday, but she wouldn't even acknowledge the fact that I was questioning it. She just kept right on talking like she didn't hear me and went on planning the evening around my going to the gym.) She has been great.

I love that the scale has gone down every week, that my exercises are getting easier and my pants are getting baggier. I am struggling, though , to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I am forever calculating how long it will take me to lose certain amounts of weight, worrying that I will hit a plateau before I start to look any different, worrying that the changes I have made aren't enough to make a real difference. 

I am also addicted to the scale. I weigh myself daily (sometimes 4-5 times a day). I am to afraid that if I don't peek through the week, I will be disappointed on Monday at weigh in. 

I did have a big breakthrough when I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. I made smart choices in the buffet line and counted points for every thing! And, for the record, no cake for me!

This week I also changed how I am using the resistance circuit. My cousin, who works at a  gym, suggested not working the same muscles everyday. So, instead of working every machine everyday, I should be doing arms one day, legs the next day... I am really fighting the fear that this is going to hurt my progress. 

I need to work on: eating a balanced diet and making sure I get foods from every category, everyday, making smarter snacking choices, getting more sleep (ha!) and weighing myself less.

A New Beginning

A little over a year ago I made a half hearted attempt to lose weight. I tried tracking what I was eating and joined a gym. My efforts lasted 3 months at the most. Since then, I have hit my personal rock bottom and have decided to change my life. 

Last year, I had gotten down to around 240lbs (from my normal 260 range) simply because I was barely eating at all. I skipped breakfast, had a South Beach bar for lunch and had dinner. I was too caught up with the excitement of having a new boyfriend to worry about eating. After the relationship ended, it didn't take long for my diet to go back to "normal." At this point, I joined the gym in an attempt to at least stay at the lower weight, but it didn't stick.

By the fall, my weight made it up to around 270lbs. This is the absolute highest it has EVER been. I proudly bought a pair of skinny jeans when I lost weight last year. They barely fit over my hips and thighs and came nowhere near fastening. Even my normal, everyday clothes, the clothes I had been wearing for years, were getting snug. I continued the half-hearted attempts I had been making all year to eat better. Even through these times, I was eating too much and snacking like a crazy person. I spent the entire rest of 2008 setting my alarm for 5am so that I could go to the gym. Not once did I go. All I did was mess up my sleep patterns and most likely did more damage to my body. 

At the very end of December, I finally got it through my skull that I am NOT and never will be a morning person. It would be better for my body if I just slept until I had to get up. I made the decision that since all I had to do in the evenings was sit and eat, I might as well give up part of them to go to the gym. I finally went back. 

I started out doing the treadmill for 30 minutes followed by the resistance circuit. I could feel myself getting bored and discouraged again. I knew that it wouldn't be long before I quit. Luckily, the new class schedule was set to begin the first Friday in January. I had heard good things and thought that if I was actually 'doing something' that I might stay more motivated and interested.

I WAS RIGHT!

I stared taking Zumba on Mondays and Thursdays, Water Aerobics on Tuesdays and doing my own thing on Wednesdays and Fridays. Eventually I jumped into Hi/Lo on Wednesday night and had my butt kicked like never before. That class kills, but I keep going back. 

Through January, even though I was working out like never before, I was still eating horribly. I would come home starving from the gym and eat constantly until I went to bed. I finally hit my breaking point at the end of January when my boss was out of town. (For those who don't know, I am a nanny. My boss works out of her home office.)

******I am humiliated with this story and am having a really hard time publishing it. Hopefully it helps someone.... Uggh. Here it goes. *******

Anyway, my boss was out of town, and I had to stay with the little guy all day and night for 2 days. Rather than just enjoy the alone time like a normal person, I saw it as my own personal time to gorge without shame. The first day, I snacked constantly. I had waffles and syrup for lunch and continued snacking. I attempted to make a whole plate of pancakes for myself at dinner. I was in complete sweet overload by this point, so I made a hot dog as well. After the kiddo went to bed, I headed to the basement to raid the snack drawers. I picked up some Chex Mix and a biscotti. (Who does that?) I went to bed completely appalled and filled with the shame I thought I was avoiding. 

Within a week, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I had proven to myself that I was incapable of making smart decisions and eating rational amounts on my own. My first week or two of WW were no different than life had been before. For example, my first full day on the program, I just made general guesses at the amounts of crap I was eating and ate my usual when we ordered Chinese takeout for dinner. 

It took me those first weeks of seeing no change (actually gaining weight), going WAY over points and finally having my Mom make a comment to me about how badly I snack to get through to me. 

 I was finally able to the store and stock up on 'good' foods. (Thank the Lord for my Mom) I started eating more "filling" (WW word, foods that are high in fiber/water, that keep you fuller longer. fruits and veggies mostly) foods and making smarter choices. I started measuring what I ate. I started to feel better, but the weight was still hanging on. 

I finally realized that I needed to weigh myself at the same time of day, under the same conditions for each weigh in. I actually started to see consistency. I have learned to measure like a mad woman. In a discussion forum on the WW site someone said, "If you bite it, write it." This is like a mantra for me lately. I can't put something in my mouth without thinking, "I have to record it. It counts." I have worked out ever possible weekday and the officially weigh in comes in at...259!!!!

I have lost inches. 2.5 or my arms! My clothes are starting to feel looser. I am halfway to my 10% goal.!

I have lost about 10lbs. I keep telling myself that I just have to do what I have done these past few weeks 10 more times and I am done!!!!!!!! Putting it that way makes it seem so easy to me.

I am proud of myself. I have gone from being ashamed of myself and tearing myself down to being more and more proud of myself everyday. I love being at the gym, I love everything I eat, I am not craving junk anymore (I don't want Krispy Kreme every time I see the hot and fresh sign!), I love the feeling I get when I lose another pound or can start to see my muscles. 

Life is good!

I can do this!

I AM doing this!!

Yay me!!