Still going!

Monday was weigh in. I am down to 254! 

I went to water aerobics last night and the teacher asked for milestones. I fought my usual shyness and volunteered. I shared that I had hit my 12lb mark the day before. Every person in the class was clapping, cheering and congratulating me. One lady even came and gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me. That kind of reception is amazing to me and was exactly what I needed. It always seems to come at exactly the right time. 

Last week I was having a hard time staying motivated to stay on track. I walked past Mom and she said she was proud of how well I was sticking with it. (She also will not let me skip the gym. I attempted to skip the gym last Thursday but Mom talked me into it. I had the guts to try the same thing again Friday, but she wouldn't even acknowledge the fact that I was questioning it. She just kept right on talking like she didn't hear me and went on planning the evening around my going to the gym.) She has been great.

I love that the scale has gone down every week, that my exercises are getting easier and my pants are getting baggier. I am struggling, though , to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I am forever calculating how long it will take me to lose certain amounts of weight, worrying that I will hit a plateau before I start to look any different, worrying that the changes I have made aren't enough to make a real difference. 

I am also addicted to the scale. I weigh myself daily (sometimes 4-5 times a day). I am to afraid that if I don't peek through the week, I will be disappointed on Monday at weigh in. 

I did have a big breakthrough when I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. I made smart choices in the buffet line and counted points for every thing! And, for the record, no cake for me!

This week I also changed how I am using the resistance circuit. My cousin, who works at a  gym, suggested not working the same muscles everyday. So, instead of working every machine everyday, I should be doing arms one day, legs the next day... I am really fighting the fear that this is going to hurt my progress. 

I need to work on: eating a balanced diet and making sure I get foods from every category, everyday, making smarter snacking choices, getting more sleep (ha!) and weighing myself less.

A New Beginning

A little over a year ago I made a half hearted attempt to lose weight. I tried tracking what I was eating and joined a gym. My efforts lasted 3 months at the most. Since then, I have hit my personal rock bottom and have decided to change my life. 

Last year, I had gotten down to around 240lbs (from my normal 260 range) simply because I was barely eating at all. I skipped breakfast, had a South Beach bar for lunch and had dinner. I was too caught up with the excitement of having a new boyfriend to worry about eating. After the relationship ended, it didn't take long for my diet to go back to "normal." At this point, I joined the gym in an attempt to at least stay at the lower weight, but it didn't stick.

By the fall, my weight made it up to around 270lbs. This is the absolute highest it has EVER been. I proudly bought a pair of skinny jeans when I lost weight last year. They barely fit over my hips and thighs and came nowhere near fastening. Even my normal, everyday clothes, the clothes I had been wearing for years, were getting snug. I continued the half-hearted attempts I had been making all year to eat better. Even through these times, I was eating too much and snacking like a crazy person. I spent the entire rest of 2008 setting my alarm for 5am so that I could go to the gym. Not once did I go. All I did was mess up my sleep patterns and most likely did more damage to my body. 

At the very end of December, I finally got it through my skull that I am NOT and never will be a morning person. It would be better for my body if I just slept until I had to get up. I made the decision that since all I had to do in the evenings was sit and eat, I might as well give up part of them to go to the gym. I finally went back. 

I started out doing the treadmill for 30 minutes followed by the resistance circuit. I could feel myself getting bored and discouraged again. I knew that it wouldn't be long before I quit. Luckily, the new class schedule was set to begin the first Friday in January. I had heard good things and thought that if I was actually 'doing something' that I might stay more motivated and interested.

I WAS RIGHT!

I stared taking Zumba on Mondays and Thursdays, Water Aerobics on Tuesdays and doing my own thing on Wednesdays and Fridays. Eventually I jumped into Hi/Lo on Wednesday night and had my butt kicked like never before. That class kills, but I keep going back. 

Through January, even though I was working out like never before, I was still eating horribly. I would come home starving from the gym and eat constantly until I went to bed. I finally hit my breaking point at the end of January when my boss was out of town. (For those who don't know, I am a nanny. My boss works out of her home office.)

******I am humiliated with this story and am having a really hard time publishing it. Hopefully it helps someone.... Uggh. Here it goes. *******

Anyway, my boss was out of town, and I had to stay with the little guy all day and night for 2 days. Rather than just enjoy the alone time like a normal person, I saw it as my own personal time to gorge without shame. The first day, I snacked constantly. I had waffles and syrup for lunch and continued snacking. I attempted to make a whole plate of pancakes for myself at dinner. I was in complete sweet overload by this point, so I made a hot dog as well. After the kiddo went to bed, I headed to the basement to raid the snack drawers. I picked up some Chex Mix and a biscotti. (Who does that?) I went to bed completely appalled and filled with the shame I thought I was avoiding. 

Within a week, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I had proven to myself that I was incapable of making smart decisions and eating rational amounts on my own. My first week or two of WW were no different than life had been before. For example, my first full day on the program, I just made general guesses at the amounts of crap I was eating and ate my usual when we ordered Chinese takeout for dinner. 

It took me those first weeks of seeing no change (actually gaining weight), going WAY over points and finally having my Mom make a comment to me about how badly I snack to get through to me. 

 I was finally able to the store and stock up on 'good' foods. (Thank the Lord for my Mom) I started eating more "filling" (WW word, foods that are high in fiber/water, that keep you fuller longer. fruits and veggies mostly) foods and making smarter choices. I started measuring what I ate. I started to feel better, but the weight was still hanging on. 

I finally realized that I needed to weigh myself at the same time of day, under the same conditions for each weigh in. I actually started to see consistency. I have learned to measure like a mad woman. In a discussion forum on the WW site someone said, "If you bite it, write it." This is like a mantra for me lately. I can't put something in my mouth without thinking, "I have to record it. It counts." I have worked out ever possible weekday and the officially weigh in comes in at...259!!!!

I have lost inches. 2.5 or my arms! My clothes are starting to feel looser. I am halfway to my 10% goal.!

I have lost about 10lbs. I keep telling myself that I just have to do what I have done these past few weeks 10 more times and I am done!!!!!!!! Putting it that way makes it seem so easy to me.

I am proud of myself. I have gone from being ashamed of myself and tearing myself down to being more and more proud of myself everyday. I love being at the gym, I love everything I eat, I am not craving junk anymore (I don't want Krispy Kreme every time I see the hot and fresh sign!), I love the feeling I get when I lose another pound or can start to see my muscles. 

Life is good!

I can do this!

I AM doing this!!

Yay me!!