New pics.

First off, let me apologize for my appearance in these photos. I looked thoroughly miffed only because it has been an tremendously long day. I ampologize for the outfit as well. I assure you that I do NOT ever leave the house in these clothes. I was getting ready to workout (at home.) I just wanted to upload a few new pics that reflected my lower weight!

Well...?

Even though I more than fulfilled my weekly blogging quota with last nights whining, I still need to update on my weigh in.

So... Somehow, beyond all reason, I lost 2 lbs????

I can't tell you how or why that happened, but I will take it and be thankful. I still plan on working my butt off this week. I don't want it to all catch up with me next week.

Thank the Lord for the unexpected.

Impromptu venting

I am journaling on a Sunday. (Well, technically it is 12am Monday. But I'll let it slide.) This is not my normal Monday, after weigh-in check-in. I was getting ready for bed and was talking to myself.... Yes, I am admitting to talking to myself. BUT, it was silent. No one else heard me being an insane women. And no, I was not answering myself. I guess it was more of a pep talk/chiding.

Ok, enough trying to convince the world that I am not crazy. I'll just get to the real stuff.

I am really really really disappointed with myself. Angry, fed up or disgusted would actually be better words to describe how I feel. I have had such an unmotivated and unproductive week! I can tell you right now that I will not like what I see when I step on that scale tomorrow morning. I not only have used up my daily points and weekly points, but have used up every one of the few activity points that I earned. Honestly, I probably even went over that because I wasn't putting much effort into tracking what and how much I was eating.

I know that down times happen but I feel like I have been in this rut for a long time. I have not turned on the Wii Active for at least two weeks. I've been to the gym 3 times in the last two weeks and that was only for Zumba(one of these times, I didn't even break a sweat b/c I was helping my cousins!). No strength training, no extra cardio.

I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO get my stuff together. I have worked way too hard and for way too long to let it go just because I want to be lazy. I need to make the gym a requirement again. I absolutely have to get my eating in check. I know that it may seem dramatic, but I feel like I have been slipping for such a long time now that it is too late for me to snap out of it.

The last few weeks have been difficult. I've not been working out or eating as well as I should. This week, though? This one blew those out of the water three times over. I have to be a little forgiving of myself and acknowledge the fact that it is a certain week that comes every month. My cravings are always out of control like this and I never seem to be satisfied. I will eat then be hungry again in 30 minutes. I do have hope in the fact that the worst part of that is over for this month. How I handled it this time was inexcusable. I have been working to get healthy and lose weight since at least February. Nature being as it is, I have dealt with this dreaded week 4 times before. I didn't give into my fast food cravings, go over points like a crazy person, stop working out or stop caring about my goals any of those times! This is so irritating!!

I feel like I need someone to come and shake me and tell me to wake up!

When I think about it, the way I feel in my body today is so much better than sitting on my rear watching movies or eating a donut. I feel amazing when I go down another pant size and I have several more to go before this journey is over! I have to realize that I have bad weeks (or months, apparently) and that I am going to be able to get back on track. Really, the weak place I am in now is still 100x better than how I was before I started this battle. If I could get momentum going then, when things were completely out of control, why not now? I already have the tools. I know what it takes. I just need to jump back in.

I have to make it happen this week. I am pledging here, to get back in the game. The excitement, confidence and focus are incredible and I a miss it. It's on!

A new low

I am officially in the 220's! (Just barely, but it counts.) At weigh in this morning, I was at 229.2. Never in my adult life, have I been this low. I was probably only this weight while I was still growing. I was in the 260's even in high school.

I am amazed by this! I didn't do a great job of working out last week. I kept up on the eating, though. I am wearing an XL shirt today and it is baggy on me! I literally had to check the size when I got to work to see if it was bigger than I thought. NOPE!

The one downside is that I had to lower my points again. I am down to 29. (I started out at 33.) I only lose one point at a time, but I had a tough time adjusting last time. I really can't say why, it was just difficult. The lower the points, the more I need to really plan ahead and make sure I get all my guidelines filled without going over. To be honest, it is stressing me out a little more than it should be. I'm sure it will be fine.

I went to Zumba tonight and took 2 of my younger cousins with me. They liked it and want to keep going with me. I didn't get a great workout because I was doing more helping them than working myself. That should only happen a few more times, though.

Always find something to complain about....

I'm hanging my head in shame....

I am not very happy with myself at the moment.

I gained about 2 pounds.

This wouldn't actually be that big of a deal if I hadn't acted like a buffoon this weekend.

I did super with the birthday dinners. I had healthy food but did have desert. I planned ahead and ended my days right on track.

Then the weekend came.

Apparently I lost my mind.

We went to the movies Friday night. I had popcorn. I planned for this, and was ok.

We came home and mom made cookies. Like 5 different kinds.

I did not practice discretion.

Not even moderation.

Idiot!

I babysat Saturday night.

My boss sent me home with the leftover dessert.

Guess what I enjoyed several times on Sunday?

Uggh! What is that!?!?

I did not go to Zumba tonight. I had a lot to do at home.

I did do my regular workout plus an extra on the Wii.

I am headed back to my room to do Pilates.

I am completely on track with my points.

I have resolved to get back on track this week and I am doing it so far.

Aside from messing with my body, the way I acted this weekend dealt a blow to my confidence.

I had bought a bunch of tank tops to wear to work so that I am cooler and don't have a farmer's tan.

I wore some today.

I may as well have been naked.

I felt like everyone was looking at me horrified.

I felt like I had overestimated my progress and didn't look as good as I once thought I would.

I felt like I was embarrassing my boss by being seen in her yard showing so much of my disgusting body.

When I saw my reflection in the mirror all I could focus on was the fact that the shirt was fitted to my stomach rolls.

I'm really having a down time. I hope I stop feeling discouraged soon.

Blah.

Didn't see that one coming!

Another week down and .... drum roll please... another 4.3 pounds gone as well!!!! It has been an interesting week and I can say with all honesty that I did not expect to lose much at all. I did not venture into the gym once. I did, however, get one of the best birthday presents to date!

I got the Wii Active from my brother on Friday! It is the best thing ever!! I definitely wanted it more than Wii Fit, but didn't know how great it would be. It is an incredible workout and I HAVE to do it right. It really is like a personal trainer made a custom workout for me. I have to do each exercise right or they aren't accepted. The bands and controllers make sure that I am doing it all right and in good form. It is super!

I am now faced with the challenge of MAKING myself go to the gym. Not because I am lazy, but because I want to do it somewhere else. I am now aware of the fact that I can completely get my butt kicked in the comfort of my own home. Tonight I went back and forth about whether or not to go to Zumba, but ended up going in the end. I think it is a good thing to change up the atmosphere and to be around other people sometimes. 

I went back to doing the resistance circuit tonight too. I had given it up when a trainer I talked to told me that I needed to bump up my cardio in order to keep losing weight. I think that makes complete sense, but I feel like I am getting more flabby than firm now. It is perfect that I got the Wii game, because now I have the extra Cardio, but don't have to stay at the gym for an extra hour.  Sometimes life is just swell.

I am really amazed at the weight loss this week given the fact that I not only used all my daily points, but also all my weekly points and dipped into the few activity points I had. It makes me wonder about whether I am one of those people who should always be eating the weeklies.... Always something to worry about. T

I doubt that I will have much trouble using up my weekly points this week though. My birthday is Thursday which always means eating out. My boss is taking me out to lunch on Wednesday and I'm sure the family and I will go out Thursday. I highly doubt I will have cake, but honestly, I think I deserve A piece of cake on this one day. Right?? 

With my birthday here, it makes me think about what life was like a year ago. At this time last year, I was uncomfortable in my clothes, was popping buttons off my new shorts and was doing all I could to avoid taking the little boy I take care of outside or too the pool. While I still don't look forward to making my appearance at the neighborhood pool with all the skinny soccer moms (thank the Lord the time hasn't come. Yet...) I am outside everyday and am only uncomfortable in my clothes because they are either falling off or make me look like I just pooped in my pants. When I go to my closet now, I worry about whether things will be too big and sloppy. This is totally opposite from last year when I would worry about what would cling to my fat rolls the least and what would hide me the best. This birthday is so much different than last year. I feel like a completely different person. And I'm not done changing yet!! I am claiming that this is the first in decades of birthdays when I am not ashamed, I am confident, I am healthy and I am OK with myself.