Looking forward to normalcy

It has been quite awhile since I have been here. I'll just be honest and say that I have let my disappointment and discouragement get the best of me this month. There have been a lot of circumstances (being out of town, having family stay with us...) that have kept me distracted. The fact that I am unhappy with myself hasn't left my mind. When I've not been at the gym or have made dumb decisions, I am still beating myself up. So, I guess distraction might not be the word I'm looking for. I've just been busy.

I had weigh in this morning. I came out at 221 even! That puts me at exactly 45 pounds down from the beginning. I'm starting to think I am overly hard on myself. I know that my 'bad' choices today are nowhere near the caliber of my bad choices 6 months ago. I am much more active.... I doubt, though, that I will ever be a person that simply accepts who and how I am and lives with it. I will always beat myself up.

I am really hoping that a new month will bring me out of this funk. Its a little exhausting feeling discouraged all the time. I liked it much better when I was confident and proud of myself.

What a difference a year makes!

These pictures were taken exactly a year apart. The first is from July of last year. I was at the 1st birthday party for the little boy I take care of. The second was taken before I left the house on the way to his 2nd birthday party. Really interesting! I actually thought I looked great last year. I was headed to a concert after the party and couldn't wait to wear that top. How embarrassing!! I had no idea how disgusting I looked. Actually, other people were fully aware. As my brother and I were searching for our car after the concert that night there was a carful of guys yelling names at me (fatso, fat *** etc.) I hope that I never have one of those experiences again. I have had way too many in my life.

...

Not much to say. Just thought I needed to put something on here. It has been a couple of weeks.

Weigh in was yesterday. I came in at 226 even. So, I have officially made the 40lb mark.

Note the absence of exclamation points. While I am ecstatic with having lost this much, it has taken me two weeks to lose ONE pound. I am disgusted to think about how much farther along I could be if I stopped having "off weeks." Idiot.