holding...holding...holding

So, I was already feeling like a fatbag before I saw that I had not updated here since August 31.

That makes it even more sickening to say that I am still at the 50lb mark. (Technically, it's 49.8 today.) Therefore, this will be an update about the crap side of weight loss.

You should know that fat days are now super morbidly obese days. Every girl (I assume some guys too) has fat days. Now that I have worked to be less of a fatty, I have less tolerance for these times. When I have one of these days, I am paranoid, disgusted and generally ticked off. This is the general prototype for a fat day, I'm sure. However, in my case (and the case of anyone else in the midst of a weight loss struggle) this is amplified at least 300x.

I am instantly terrified that I have gained my weight back. I know that gaining 50lbs is impossible. At least I hope it is. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling like I have and seeing myself like I have in the mirror. I already have issues with seeing myself for how I truly look. For the most part, what I see in the mirror is the same tub of lard that I saw in the mirror in January.

Long story short, beware the fat days. They kill the soul.

Also, lets just stop beating around the bush and talk about the fact that I have not lost a pound for a month and half. I've actually gained and lost the same 2lbs about 4 times now. That is disgusting.
I can give you my list of excuses: "I have been too busy with school to make the gym" (this is true, mind you. I am struggling to find a balance here. I don't want to slack on school, but I don't want to be one of those people who can only leave their bedrooms via forklift.), "I eat when i'm on my period," (also true, however, a month and a half only allots for a certain number of these dreaded binge weeks.) "I've just felt blah, i'm still active at work..."(sure have. probably because I haven't gotten off my fat butt and am eating stupid junk.)

Despicable.

Also, fitting into new, smaller clothing is fantastic! I really find it hard to describe the emotions to you. However, clothing manufacturers are evil evil people. I can now wear a Large. However, try on an xxl hoodie in the juniors section and I get "fat guy in a little coat" syndrome. The same is true when you shop at more than one store. I can wear a large at one place by not even close at the next.

Also, extra skin. I'll leave it at that.

I'm finding that this whole journey is as much mental as it is physical. I need to stop worrying about how others see me, what size I wear, what kind of day I am having and learn to recongnize my new self in the mirror.

Please email you psychiatric recommendations to: fattymcfatpants@....................